This blog is more of a rant, I’m peeved off to put it politely and I think I need a good rant! I’m not writing this to get pity or to be a glory seeker/attention seeker, but to share with others that it’s easy to put up a front and put on a performance, but deep down, life isn’t always like that! And perhaps, well hopefully (and this is the main reason I’m writing this) there is other people who have been through what I have and are feeling like this and like me they are hiding it away or putting on a front. But it’s ok to break down, to not constantly think of the positives . . .
I HATE you CANCER because . . .
1. You have changed my life!
On the +ve – life will always change and I have the opportunity to change my life for the better!
2. I’m not the same person any more and I miss the old me and my old life!
On the +ve – I’m a better person for what I have been through, I have changed for the better and I don’t take any s$*t now, I know what I want and what I don’t and I won’t settle!
3. I have to go for regular hospital check-ups (now every 4months) when I HATE hospitals and needles and I have to get this down and sit in a hospital and wait in fear that you have come back!
On the +ve – I’m lucky to be checked up on so often, the staff including my consultant and haematology nurse are lovely, I know what I need to do to control my fear!
4. You showed no symptoms so I am constantly left doubting my instincts that I am well! If I had had symptoms I could at least say now, “it’s ok you don’t have those, so you are fine!”
On the +ve – deep down I trust my instincts and know that I am ok
5. I live on the edge and in constant fear from the moment I get my letter saying to make my appointment until the moment I get the all clear from my consultant!
On the +ve – Once I get the all clear or to the day of the appointment I am fine and can forget about all this!
6. I can’t control or rationalise my fear of my hospital appointment and check up!
On the +ve – I go to counselling to try to overcome this!
7. You are constantly in my head, when I am happy and things are going well you pop up in my head and remind me I was sick, of the fear I go through that you could be back, or just to remind me that you were there, that you turned my life upside down.
On the +ve – even though it is so hard and tiring I can block you out, get into my bubble (my bubble of denial/safe place) and distract myself
8. Even when I try not to I tell people what I have been through or that I was sick, it just comes out, like verbal diarrhea.
On the +ve – I am spreading the word that you can get through it, but also show that it can happen to anyone, knowledge is power
9. I don’t have a job now, that there are none out there!
On the +ve – one day, fingers crossed, one will come up, it has to, I just have to be patient!
10. I feel like I have to justify myself to others, for example in relation to work, why should I go into a job that I know is draining, low pay, un-rewarding to me, that I have worked in for years in the past, that I am 100% over qualified for just because it’s money and a job!
On the +ve – no one else’s opinion matters but my own, I need to ignore and not focus on the opinions of others who don’t have a clue what I have been through or am going through!
11. I lost my best friend when you hit me!
On the +ve – It probably would have happened at some point, I have found out who my real friends are, I have gained some amazing friends and rekindled some amazing friendships! I am so lucky to have the friends I now have!
12. I am depressed because of you!
On the +ve – I WILL get over it!
13. I have to take anti depressants every day because of you and for how long I don’t know!
On the +ve – they level me out and help me!
14. I have no one my age, who has been through what I have an understands what I am going through!
On the +ve – through my blog I will hopefully find others
15. I’m not back to normal again!
On the +ve – My life is different as am I and in time normality will return
16. I can’t get normal travel insurance, none of the typical and cheap insurers will insure me!
On the +ve – I found a really good insurance booker who found a company who will insure me, the only one!
17. I dream of having long hair and when I wake up my hair is still short!!!!
On the +ve – slowly but surely it is growing and I will get there and hey I always have my wigs!
18. You eat me up from the inside out, I may have got rid of you but your shadow I suppose you could say is still inside me, a darkness that I can feel sitting in my chest, that puts doubt in my mind, that is always, always there!
On the +ve – through counselling and time you will hopefully go away!
So there you go, me having my rant, telling you all the things I go through on a daily basis, both when I am awake and when I sleep! I don’t know if or when this will ever be over, but I hope it will be soon! Yes at the moment the shadow is strong inside me and I’m angry, sad, scared, down and worried but I will come out the other side, perhaps I do just need a few days of wallowing and then I will pick myself up again with the help of my friends and family, who without doing anything any differently will get me through. I’m learning that it’s ok and normal to feel down like this and only I know how it feels, no matter how much I tell others, unless you have been through or going through cancer you will never ever know how I feel!
Yes everyone has down days but to be depressed and have the things I have listed above constantly going through your head, constantly pushing them down and down and hiding behind a smile is hard, it’s tiring and scary to think that if you let yourself get down you might not get through it!
Perhaps, just perhaps the answer is that I ACCEPT you happened to me, you changed me CANCER and that in time the positive will out way the negatives and the shadow will disappear and it won’t be so hard or tiring! Maybe I’ll learn to accept and live with the fact that I ZANE, HAD CANCER, not to try and constantly live in my bubble and try to forget about it.
When you stop trying so hard to do something, will it just eventually happen?